Since about 2 years ago when crisis first hit our family and decided to set up camp, I have struggled in vain to overcome something. It’s as if something within my spirit died. Living in a long and sustained season of exhaustion and survival, I’ve grown numb in many ways with too many stressful tasks on my plate. Most profoundly, I’ve grieved the loss of spiritual vibrancy and the deep sense of connectedness I once had with Jesus. While He has remained faithful to me, I so long for that sense of being alive in Him again. He awakened in me the reality of His Presence when I first came to deeply experience His great love for me when I was 33 y.o. I want to always live in that wide, eternal place...so I seek Him for that to be my constant reality once again.
Praying with my dear friend Kaye the other night this week was like water to my soul. As I heard her hunger for God as she prayed, the Spirit gently nudged my spirit to awaken again to what He and I once shared.
I’m listening to Karla Adolpe’s song When I See Him from her album on grief and hope called Honeycomb Tombs. Here are part of the lyrics. She sings out my spirit’s cry.
When I see Him I will run
I may not be able
...to tell you what I see
I may not be able
...to cry or even speak
When I see Him
...I will run
Hold me close so I can feel You breathing
Don’t let go until You see what I’m seeing
Seeing Jesus face to face on that promised Day is my heart’s greatest longing. This hope gives me resolve and strength to continue on, seeking to learn what it means that He and I are yoked while I carry a daily weight of responsibilities. I want to know what it means to let Him carry the load.
It’s strange. My days are much lighter than before God healed our baby’s larynx and he was completely gtube dependent for all his nutritional needs. Now that He has also healed his need for medicine (yea God!!!), I am finally free from the tight schedule that lasted all day long to administer meds and gtube feedings: 7a, 8a, 8:30a, 11:30p, 2:30p, 3p, 5:30p, 7p, 8:30p, 11p. Now I have a lighter schedule: 8:30a, 11:30a, 4:00p, 6:30p, 9p for his gtube water feedings that accompany his real food feedings. I can actually sleep in til 8am. Having this lighter set schedule everyday is delightful for this non-structured person...
Sometimes I wonder why I seem to be pushed to full capacity still. Probably a month of vacation to think and just regroup would be great for anyone to regain strength! While I’ve longed to experience a greater connection with God, every morning brings much responsibility again like the unceasing rhythm of the ocean’s shore, with little time for margin. And when I do have some small amount of time, I’m usually too tired to think.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I just read Psalm 91. The Spirit ministered deeply to me as I read this psalm.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
Oh Lord, I can dwell. That’s all I can do, and what relief that this is the very thing that You call me to do...
“I will say to the LORD, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’” You are this to me, Lord. You are my refuge. You are my fortress. I do trust in You. What a mighty shelter You are, O Most High. It is in You I can dwell! As I read on, again, the psalmist again emphasized dwelling. “Because you have made the LORD your dwelling place--the Most High, who is my refuge…”
Then in v. 14-15, He says, “Because he holds fast to Me in love...because he knows My name...when he calls to Me…” Dwelling, trusting, holding fast to Him in love, knowing His name, calling to Him...these are all that this psalm sets out is my part. Look at how amazing the list is that God promises is His part…all of this is what brought tears to my eyes:
I will abide in the Almighty’s shadow.
Deliverance from the snare of the fowler and deadly pestilence is mine.
He will cover me with His pinions.
I will find refuge under His wings. (what masterful and protective imagery!)
His faithfulness will shield me and be a buckler (a small, round shield held by a handle or worn on the forearm).
Things I need not then fear: the terror of the night, the daytime arrow that flies, pestilence that stalks in darkness, noonday destruction that makes things waste away.
What might make a 1,000, no 10,000, fall at my side will not come near me.
No evil shall be allowed to befall me.
No plague shall come near my tent.
God will command His angels concerning me (wow...me!)
...to guard me in all my ways (wow again...my ways).
I will be supported/carried on the hands of the angels.
God will deliver me because I hold fast to Him in love.
I will be protected by God because I know His name.
God will answer me when I call to Him.
God will be with me in trouble.
God will rescue me and honor me.
God will satisfy me with long life.
God will show me His salvation.
What an incredibly privileged people we are as His Beloved, because we know Jesus as our Best Friend! On the Cross He demonstrated His Great Love by being the ultimate sin sacrifice for us. Truly, the greatest gift we can ever experience in this life is the forgiveness of our sins and the Divine Relationship we have been brought into with Him, the Eternal and Holy God of Love.
Thank You, Spirit of God, for ministering to me with the beauty of Who You are.
For all who live in this Land of Exhaustion with me, dwell in the Most High’s shelter. It will be enough and He will do the rest.
(no kids' names request: if you leave a comment, please use only first initial of names. many thanks!!)