Today, I live a slow, daily death. A death where I must die to how I want my life to look like, over and over. This, in the Kingdom’s economy, is good and so I am learning to embrace denying myself. I continue to live in the in-between, where all is not right and I live with great longing. I pray for my baby to be healed from the hole in his larynx that keeps him from being able to drink liquids--the very thing that babies do from birth to survive and grow, to be able to no longer be fed by a gastric tube 22 hours a day--oh, to hold him long without needing to mind his tubing and to never be concerned that he will vomit in his sleep from a pump overfeeding him, to be able to depend on his mouth to eat and drink normally, to be able to drink water one day, to have an enlarged and rigid trachea that does not collapse as it does from crying or strained breathing, to get back on the height growth curve that he fell off long ago, to have his brain rise out of his spinal column and not cause future swallowing, balance, coordination and movement problems, to not need a potential surgery where cranial bones are removed to prevent possible brain damage, to not risk getting pneumonia with every swallow (of even saliva), to say “mama” and “dada” one day, to not be on the verge of vomiting all the time, to have a properly functioning esophagus where reflux disease no longer causes him to suffer so (his esophagus was not connected to his stomach at birth; surgical repair was successful), to not be at risk for a bacterial overgrowth since his small intestine was surgically rerouted due to a constriction, to no longer need his brain shunt miraculously, and finally to not get bad news in October when we meet with the geneticist about whether all of his problems are connected to one of two possible syndromes--one that will lead to future renal failure, or another that will take his life before adulthood.
The Kingdom is contrary to the ways and values of this world ... and my flesh. Jesus walked a terribly difficult path of suffering to the point of being murdered ... but was raised to life and will come in glory! In Luke 9, immediately following His prediction of His suffering, death and resurrection (9:22), He said to all,
“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. But I tell you truly, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:23-27, ESV)
We all face difficulties in various forms. What hope Jesus gives to all. Through the denial of ourselves and our daily deaths we can come after Him and follow. As we surrender by walking the path He walked, our own divine paths of suffering, death and resurrection, we are given the hope that on this path we can know Him better.
Did you catch the good news? Resurrection follows suffering and death. I’m not talking about the resurrection that will come in heaven for us, but rather the kind found in this life where we can see the kingdom of God which Jesus described in verse 27. This is my daily prayer, to see the kingdom of God here and now, for it is in this life that I need to see into the beyond.
But daily my heart wrestles with and longs to leave this divine path. Who likes pain?
Daily, I want a normal life again with no health problems for my baby and its impact on our family. Who likes suffering?
Daily I find myself seeing more clearly now, with 20/20 hindsight. How much easier my life had been when I had my past challenges, but I always felt so overwhelmed then! Though I can’t go back there anymore, I can learn from looking back. I see now that stressing out is optional. How I need to choose always to live in God’s peace-filled Presence which is always mine for the taking! In the song “Right Here,” I describe the wide place from which we can always live and never leave. Oh Jesus, help me to see You better. Grow me in maturity as I learn to die, I pray. Elizabeth Elliot’s biography of Amy Carmichael comes to mind: “A Chance to Die.” How inspiring.
What brings me hope is that this path is the very path that my sovereign Lord has laid out for our baby, me and my family. It is on this path that He walks with me. This in itself is enough for me.
Actually, sometimes it doesn’t seem like enough when I fixate on wanting our suffering to end... But then He recaptures my attention. And again I can see the beautiful terrain of His kingdom and the high privilege and rich blessings of walking with my Lord Jesus. It is here that I am satisfied, truly satisfied, where I want nothing else but to be with my Good Shepherd Lord. This is worth breaking out into song as the psalmist did in the 23rd chapter. I’d like to “swing out into eternity on that.”*
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What path of suffering has He called you to and what has given you hope? perspective? joy?
*(a phrase that has stuck in my mind for years from one of Michael Card’s albums. He shares a clip from one of his grandfather’s audio sermon recordings.)