had our son not been born in this first world country, he would’ve died a week ago. he was rushed into the OR for an emergency surgery of his trachea and esophagus that were malformed. right now he waits in the NICU for further healing until he is strong enough to have his next surgery, without which he will be unable to digest food. i am deeply grateful to God that we live in the US with all its advances in medical technology. had we both undergone his birth in a less developed country, we would have both died because i also had several life-threatening complications in surgery and in recovery. thanks to the sovereign will of God choosing LIFE for us, he and we now wait on the Lord for his healing so he can leave the NICU and finally come home to us.
there is much i don’t understand regarding healing and God’s will still. i don’t know why our son was not healed in utero as we had prayed for in faith, just as i don’t know why our daughter died in 2002, after living for only 30 minutes.
the year after our daughter died was a rough one between me and God. but through those deep waters and dark valleys, i learned a valuable lesson. i live with a choice in the midst of suffering: i can choose to distance myself from God by re-interpreting Him through my circumstances and my value system (how i think He should run the world), or i can choose to interpret my circumstances through the Scriptures and run to Him as my Refuge. His Word tells me that He is a good God whose compassions fail not toward me. as i live with pain and suffering, i can know that Jesus has borne my griefs and carried my sorrows.
5 years after our daughter’s death, Jesus met me in a profound way one winter night. i laid all my griefs and burdens from losing our daughter before Him in prayer. i surrendered to Jesus my pain and grief which felt all too fresh, even so many years later. i longed for more comfort from Him. i asked humbly of God, “You say You’re my Healer. Is this all the healing that I should expect to experience in this life? If there is more, I need Your healing.” it was in this sacred space and time that He ministered His restorative healing to me. in my pain, He showed me Himself, spoke words of comfort and brought me supernatural healing. losing my daughter was no longer a raw wound in my heart, but a scar that had been healed by Jehovah Rophe, God my Healer.
we all walk through life trying to make sense of our experiences and suffering when it hits us. we face temptation to charge God with wrong when things don’t go as we think He should have allowed life to play out. it’s as if we have a line drawn somewhere representing the boundary that we put on God. we agree to give God worship, so long as He plays within our rules and stays on the tame side of our line. if He crosses that boundary, allows more than we think we can handle or choose to accept as good, we are tempted to reject God, charge Him with wrong, put ourselves above Him and withhold worship.
just as salt and pepper and left and right go hand in hand, suffering seems to go hand in hand with bringing God’s goodness into question. as i watch our son suffer so, i am still left with many questions. But one question i do not need to ask is, “Is God good?” i choose to believe His Word which instructs me to know that His goodness is immovable, sure and real.
no matter what i endure in this life, no matter how painful it becomes, through bitter tears, questions and pain, i resolve to give Jesus my worship unconditionally. i was made to receive His love, to love Him and to worship Him.
although there is much that i do not know, i DO know some things.
i know that ... i can cling.
i know that ... i can trust God.
and i know that ... i won’t ever stop asking Jehovah Rophe to heal our little guy’s tiny body as He healed my heart that winter night. i am asking Him to exceed our expectations, to do super abundantly beyond all we can imagine, for His glory’s sake.
Ephesians 3:
20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,
21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.