(no kids' names request: if you leave a comment, please use only first initial of names. many thanks!!)
So proud of my girl. She wrote a story and it was published online last week on Good News Now America. They had a contest for homeschoolers earlier this year and she shared about her foot surgery experience. I love that her spirit grew in trust of God through the difficult path she has had to endure, already at such a young age. Even though she had to pay a high cost for these lessons, it has been beautiful to see the Holy Spirit grow His compassion for others in her heart. Her story is the 4th one on the page.
(no kids' names request: if you leave a comment, please use only first initial of names. many thanks!!)
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When I drive around town, I am often struck by how each car and home represents so many lives all around me. Each and every life is so very different in values, trajectory, happiness, faith, character, etc. How many of these lives are Godward, looking to live for Your worship? I wonder. Oh, how I want to learn regularly to choose well. All day, everyday, there are countless choices we make and much of our lives can be traced to these choices. I want to be able to look back when I am near my life’s end and see that I’ve made clear choices to believe in the great goodness of God, to trust Him when it’s hard, to love with all that I am and have, to die to my selfishness, to move about my days Spirit-filled and to orient myself toward serving others. Since You redeem even our bad choices and can create beauty from our few loaves and fishes of repentance and humility, great hope is ours no matter what befalls. Oh, to see You actively involved, fully present and engaged in my life as You are... Jesus, thank You that I can choose... Choose how I will conduct my life. Choose the thoughts I will entertain about my day, my life and my future. Choose to resist the temptation to live in defeat, in depression, and without hope. Choose to disbelieve lies of the enemy. Choose instead to trust You to be faithful to me as You walk closely with me today. Choose to believe that I can actively worship now, no matter what my circumstances are. You have a will for me today to accomplish and this will is good, pleasing and acceptable. Choose to learn to walk by the Spirit today, relying on You to guide my decisions, fill me with Your peace, empower me and give wisdom from Your stores. Choose to believe You are working Your will, always. A conversation I had with a friend the other day helped me see that we each have different boundary lines drawn out for us by Your sovereign hand. There are things in our lot that we do not want to live with, barnacles in our corner of the world. Often these challenges remain unchanged for years, out of our control. This is where time to simply be in Your Presence helps us to live beyond survival. Here I find that that within these very borders, with barnacles and all, I can offer You beautiful worship. Here I can choose to surrender my idol of “the ideal life”--a barnacle-free life. Here I can choose not to focus on my challenges, disappointments and pain, but center myself on Your love for me and respond back in love. Here I can resist the weighty force that thrusts my mind downward back onto fixating on my discontent. Only by the Spirit’s power can I escape hopelessness, depression and despair. Holy Spirit, let my spirit soar to the heights Your Spirit wants to take me to! I came across this amazing verse today. Note how the psalmist chooses to center on God’s love that results in joy and gladness, in the midst of affliction. I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. (Psalm 31:7-8 ESV) Tears come to my eyes as I reread this passage because His steadfast love is inherently unchanging. It is independent of my heavy circumstances. My mind returns to when our Biblical professor friend once described in beautiful word pictures the amazing Hebrew word hesed, used here for steadfast love. In a word that is worth pausing long over, His love is loyal. How the Lord wants our relationship with Him to be so very close. Years ago, I wrote a song called My Love’s Come based on Song of Solomon 4, which invites us to press into the closeness that He wants to have with us. Oh Jesus, so often my thoughts betray me and I lose sight of my treasure that is You! Make me like Mary, who sat at Your feet and worshipped. She chose well. So can I. Distractions, leave center stage. I choose to bask in the beauty of Your Presence that surrounds me. Helen Lemmel said it well (1922) “...and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.” No one else is awake now but me (though I hear slight rustling from the baby monitor). The room I’m in is finally orderly, the sun is up and promises hope in the warm stillness that fills the room. How I need to deliberately carve out regular time to think, to be and to mediate on You. Yesterday I rested well and now having these 20 minutes to get these thoughts down helps me to finally move beyond living in my own power, from task to task. Adequate sleep and chunks of time to focus my attention on my constant position of being in Your Presence… I must make these high priorities. Oh Jesus, be to me all that You are. Help me to see well, to choose well. --- How can you choose well today in order to walk in the broad place? He has set your feet there. (no kids' names request: if you leave a comment, please use only first initial of names. many thanks!!) It’s been a long time to live in crisis--over 450 days, I guess. Right now, my husband is at our baby’s regular baby check up and I have some time to think again. It has taken this long to finally feel like I’m mostly adjusted to my new normal. Having our child struggle with major health problems every day has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced....harder than moving and living in a foreign land, harder than losing the comforts of one’s own country, harder than not being able to communicate well in a foreign tongue for 8 years, harder than being on bedrest for over 100 days with the possibility of losing one’s baby, harder than almost dying on the operating table with my last c-section, and harder than pumping milk mechanically 8x a day down to 5x a day by the end of the 13th month (by the way, that was WAY up there on my list of the most taxing things I’ve ever done). The difficulties our baby faces are right up there with going into preterm labor with my second child in 2002, having meds fail to stop my contractions, watching my sweet child lay on my open palms and struggle to breathe for 30 minutes, only to then slip away from this life into eternity. Isaiah 65:20 draws me to look more longingly toward the promised new heavens and new earth, where all that is wrong in this life will be righted. A huge part of me died the day Natalie died. And with utmost gratitude, Jesus in 2007 healed me from my grief, pain and loss. But that is another story for another day.
Today, I live a slow, daily death. A death where I must die to how I want my life to look like, over and over. This, in the Kingdom’s economy, is good and so I am learning to embrace denying myself. I continue to live in the in-between, where all is not right and I live with great longing. I pray for my baby to be healed from the hole in his larynx that keeps him from being able to drink liquids--the very thing that babies do from birth to survive and grow, to be able to no longer be fed by a gastric tube 22 hours a day--oh, to hold him long without needing to mind his tubing and to never be concerned that he will vomit in his sleep from a pump overfeeding him, to be able to depend on his mouth to eat and drink normally, to be able to drink water one day, to have an enlarged and rigid trachea that does not collapse as it does from crying or strained breathing, to get back on the height growth curve that he fell off long ago, to have his brain rise out of his spinal column and not cause future swallowing, balance, coordination and movement problems, to not need a potential surgery where cranial bones are removed to prevent possible brain damage, to not risk getting pneumonia with every swallow (of even saliva), to say “mama” and “dada” one day, to not be on the verge of vomiting all the time, to have a properly functioning esophagus where reflux disease no longer causes him to suffer so (his esophagus was not connected to his stomach at birth; surgical repair was successful), to not be at risk for a bacterial overgrowth since his small intestine was surgically rerouted due to a constriction, to no longer need his brain shunt miraculously, and finally to not get bad news in October when we meet with the geneticist about whether all of his problems are connected to one of two possible syndromes--one that will lead to future renal failure, or another that will take his life before adulthood. The Kingdom is contrary to the ways and values of this world ... and my flesh. Jesus walked a terribly difficult path of suffering to the point of being murdered ... but was raised to life and will come in glory! In Luke 9, immediately following His prediction of His suffering, death and resurrection (9:22), He said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. But I tell you truly, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:23-27, ESV) We all face difficulties in various forms. What hope Jesus gives to all. Through the denial of ourselves and our daily deaths we can come after Him and follow. As we surrender by walking the path He walked, our own divine paths of suffering, death and resurrection, we are given the hope that on this path we can know Him better. Did you catch the good news? Resurrection follows suffering and death. I’m not talking about the resurrection that will come in heaven for us, but rather the kind found in this life where we can see the kingdom of God which Jesus described in verse 27. This is my daily prayer, to see the kingdom of God here and now, for it is in this life that I need to see into the beyond. But daily my heart wrestles with and longs to leave this divine path. Who likes pain? Daily, I want a normal life again with no health problems for my baby and its impact on our family. Who likes suffering? Daily I find myself seeing more clearly now, with 20/20 hindsight. How much easier my life had been when I had my past challenges, but I always felt so overwhelmed then! Though I can’t go back there anymore, I can learn from looking back. I see now that stressing out is optional. How I need to choose always to live in God’s peace-filled Presence which is always mine for the taking! In the song “Right Here,” I describe the wide place from which we can always live and never leave. Oh Jesus, help me to see You better. Grow me in maturity as I learn to die, I pray. Elizabeth Elliot’s biography of Amy Carmichael comes to mind: “A Chance to Die.” How inspiring. What brings me hope is that this path is the very path that my sovereign Lord has laid out for our baby, me and my family. It is on this path that He walks with me. This in itself is enough for me. Actually, sometimes it doesn’t seem like enough when I fixate on wanting our suffering to end... But then He recaptures my attention. And again I can see the beautiful terrain of His kingdom and the high privilege and rich blessings of walking with my Lord Jesus. It is here that I am satisfied, truly satisfied, where I want nothing else but to be with my Good Shepherd Lord. This is worth breaking out into song as the psalmist did in the 23rd chapter. I’d like to “swing out into eternity on that.”* --- What path of suffering has He called you to and what has given you hope? perspective? joy? *(a phrase that has stuck in my mind for years from one of Michael Card’s albums. He shares a clip from one of his grandfather’s audio sermon recordings.) i call my 6th pregnancy the eternal pregnancy. on Christmas Eve 2012, i began to bleed heavily in my 21st week and was subsequently diagnosed with placenta previa. due to an increased risk for bleeding, i was on complete bedrest for the next 107 days. it goes without saying, but 107 days is a long time. i learned that digestion doesn’t work well laying down. muscles atrophy. using the computer sideways is no fun. weight gain is inevitable. homeschooling kids while laying down has its challenges, esp. working through kindergarten curriculum! thanks to a mattress topper we bought, it was bearable to switch back and forth from my right side to my left--all day and night. let’s just say, our cheap couch has seen better days. by bedtime, it was strange to say, “Boy, am I tired of laying down. I guess it’s time to go lay down for sleep!” quite a lot has to stop happening when one is on complete bedrest (an obvious understatement). it was scary to go from a healthy pregnancy to being on the precipice of losing one’s child. fear of the worst would come in waves, but by God's grace, i had to choose to trust God and reject such fears. i have had to rely on my husband to take on many of my activities/errands on top of his own busy schedule. my children have had to learn new skills for meal preparation and house cleaning to help manage our family’s needs. thankfully, because of the grace of God at work in His Body, we’ve been ministered unto by countless families who have generously brought meals to feed us when i was not allowed even to sit up. although i was forced to watch from the couch as life continued on, Jesus used this time to begin transforming my heart about serving... prior to being put on bedrest, i had developed a pattern in my life of resentment about serving. i lived with overloaded days and was quite spent by nighttime, only to wake in the morning with an almost daily reluctance to serve my family. as an introvert who rarely got time alone, i had little margin in my life. i also didn’t plan in enough sleep nor regular exercise. with these unwise patterns, i grew weary of serving. i must say, forced simplicity does a person good. try it sometime! all you have to do is clear your schedule and lay down all day on the couch! remember, you're now no longer allowed to sit up and get up unless its meal time or when the bathroom calls. at first, it can be restful. then, things shift to uncomfortable and frustrating. life will slow down pretty quickly and priorities should begin to rise to the surface. what’s funny is that before anything ever went wrong with my health, i could have voluntarily lived more simply by seeing bad fruit of my attitude, reevaluating my schedule/values and making wiser choices. it wasn’t until this season of being constantly supine that i could even see that my pace of life was by choice. also, i had never seen the ability to move about, to sit up, to have capacity to grocery shop and run errands--all as blessings to count! since bedrest kept me from serving my family regular meals, helping my little children with baths, running to them when they got badly hurt, walking around the house for any task, i started LONGING to serve my family in practical, tangible ways. my understanding of serving took on a transformation: i could finally see it as an honor and privilege. now, i long to express Jesus’ love for my family by caring for many of their needs again. i now look forward to the things that i had grown tired of doing. no longer are they weighty, reoccurring tasks piled high, but activities to embrace with joy because they are deeply eternal. watching the weeks slowly crawl by has finally turned into counting down the final days on one hand. now, only 5 more days until we meet our little button! with having a high risk pregnancy, our little munchkin has got to be the most photographed baby by ultrasound. our fridge is plastered with his 3D shots and silhouette. i must say that his chubby cheeks are absolutely irresistible; i can’t wait to kiss them! what a reward for this lengthy waiting period! once our baby comes home with us, i want to commit myself to maintain simplicity in how i live my days. as i engage again in “normal” activities, i want to pause long enough in my spirit to experience the joy that Jesus intended for us to have while serving those we love. the inevitable temptation to live at a frenetic pace will come, but i pray for God’s grace to have discernment and to make wise choices with His Spirit indwelling me. it’s amazing how one can do the exact same activities, and touch eternity, IF it is done from the heart and aligned with how God wants us to see things. great joy is available to us at the taking if we can see them as privileges. hopefully one can avoid bedrest to enter into this kind of eternal joy. how has Jesus changed your perspective lately? how do you maintain simplicity in how you live life? how do remember to pause long enough in your spirit to experience His joy and perspective in the midst of a full life? (no kids' names request: if you leave a comment, please use only first initial of names. many thanks!!) |
manna *i first met Jesus when i was 15 years old. He showed me His great love for me, demonstrated in His sacrifice for to pay for my sins on the Cross. that day, He changed my life entirely and became my Lord. Archives
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